End of conversation

Direct quote from my mom, who was ending our phone call the other evening:

"I have to go. I have to watch whatever's on TV."

M-Theory

So Victor just realized he's been wearing two mismatched socks for several weeks (he took them off several times and washed them, of course, but kept mismatching them). Our conversation about it:

V: I just realized I've been wearing mismatched socks for several weeks now.

Me (in the shower, hard to hear him): What? Did you just say that you realized you've been wearing John Madden socks and didn't know it?

V: No. I said I've been wearing MISMATCHED socks.

Me: Oh.

V: This never happened before.

Me: Before what?

V: You know darned well what I'm talking about.

Me: No... Before what?

V: This never happened before YOU came along with your mass chaos string theory of life.

A scientific theory must be emperically verified to be valid. (See "Sock it to me" 3/15/07)

Wild Kingdom Redux

So I don't have to retell my latest story, below is an e-mail I sent to Selene about some seriously strange events happening around our house...

You will be shocked and slightly dismayed, as I was yesterday, to learn that Tux has been getting frisky with Cricket!!!!! I watched in horror as he gripped her by the ruff of the neck with his teeth, got on top of her, and did a little wiggling in the air above her (he is old, you know, fixed, and not really knowing what he's doing. Could you imagine trying to Get Busy for the first time when you were, like, in your seventies? Yes, it's that wrong and embarrassing). Afterward, he jumped off the bed and left in a hurry, just like a man. This happened twice. Both times Cricket had this look on her face of confusion yet submission. I was completely torn emotionally: #1) Did she feel violated? It was certainly an unnecessary and fruitless act. She was just minding her own business and he just meanders over and tries to get busy. #2) It was, in many ways, a pathetic attempt at fornication. Like I said, he just grabbed her and did this little wiggle move -- barely perceptible, really -- and some faint kneading with his paws.

Victor and my mom called Tux a Dirty Old Man! A Pedophile! I'm having some trouble coming to terms with this. He does seem, in some ways, more relaxed and satisfied with his life. It is creepy, though, I have to admit. But it is nature. It's like freaking Wild Kingdom in our house, without, you know, Marlin Perkins and all the Mutual of Omaha commercials and stuff.

The Great Demerol Championship of 2007

So I was a patient in the hospital for the FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE for an endoscopy. For you non-medheads out there, that means I had a wire with a little camera stuck down my esophagus into my stomach to check for any problems like ulcers, strictures, wads of Bubbalicious swallowed when I was 7, etc. If you know me, or have read this blog, you'll know that I have a problem with needles. I would just like to state that I was a real trooper for this procedure. The only real problem I had, and had to get over quickly, was the fact that I was in a room with other people during the prep, which made me feel weird. This will not happen when I have a baby there, if I have anything to say about it. I will be in the birthing suite and will NOT have to look at the dirty feet of some lady with COPD and a smoker's voice. I felt even weirder because I was in the hospital I work for, and several of the docs and nurses I've worked with kept looking at me like they knew me, and there I was in a scrub top and my Juicy bottoms on a gurney. I am happy to report that I was able to keep my socks AND my tennis shoes on. This, I believe, helped tremendously. They also put a heavy blanket over me, which was kinda comfy. I did announce to every nurse I met, "HI, I'M A WUSS" and they smiled and reassured me and worked so fast that next thing I knew my hand was stuck and there was really nothing I could do about it. I made sure she taped that thing super tight, and then I tucked my hand under the heavy blanket and tried not to think about it. I did get a little panicky for a second, but I was laying upright on the gurney and figured if I passed out, they had me hooked up to all sorts of crap that not much could go wrong.

I was awake and chatting happily with the nurses before the procedure. The nice nurse gave me Demerol, which she called "Happy Juice," and I was awake for only a minute more before I knocked out. The last thing I remember is their putting a bite-guard thing in my mouth which they strapped around my head, bringing to mind the Folsom Street Fair. I was contemplating making some comment about that, was trying to work out whether or not they'd be hip to that because it was sick and twisted, but then I was out. The procedure took a whole four minutes.

I allegedly, this according to my mom, came out of the room with my arms pumping in the air like I'd just won the NBA championships, declaring my allegiance to "DEMEROL! DEM ER OL!" I do not remember this. I also, again allegedly, told the nurse I could put my top on by myself and did not come out of the bathroom for 20 minutes, which incited panic in my mom, who got a nurse to help her get me out of the bathroom. I do not remember being in the bathroom for 20 minutes, but do remember them retrieving me (my first memory) and my mom sitting me down in the waiting area. It was there that I faded in and out of conversation, out of consciousness. I tried to talk but fell asleep mid-sentence. I remember telling my mom that she and Owl "need to go green" and remember thinking that was a very important statement at the time, which it probably was, until I followed it up with some sort of non-sequitor and became keenly aware that my mom was amused by my state of delirium. Being laughed at did not help the situation. So I then tried to feign complete lucidity when my doctor came out to give us the results, as if I could fool him, the doctor, into thinking that I was completely snapped out of the Demerol fog. I tried to be casual during our brief conversation, nodding, trying to fake like I was completely sober and "Oh, yes. I see. Yes." and they even tried scheduling my follow up appointments then, as if I had a handle on my schedule over the next few months! As if I could even grasp time! "Oh, August 16? Sure, I'm free that day..." And we left there with some kind of appointment where they're going to stick a tube up my nose, and I still need to sort out what the hell that's about.

I do not remember going to Panera, ordering a bagel, and going to sit down in a booth to wait for it. I don't remember driving home. I do remember eating said bagel, then telling my mom I was going upstairs to sleep. I slept for four hours, and could have slept four more. I would just like to give myself some PROPS for handling the needle thing so well. I mean, I wasn't happy about it, but I hung in there like a champ.

The countdown

So we leave for Morocco in two weeks... this seems like the slowest wait for a vacation EVER. Time hasn't ticked by this slowly since I was 10, it was April and I was anxiously awaiting the plane ride to my grandparents' farm in August (translation: feels like an eternity). Not looking forward, however, to the 24-hour-ish flight to Marrakech. We have a 3-hour layover in London. Can't wait to take pictures with my new Nikon. I seriously lay awake at night and think about this (really, it's the only way to keep my mind off of work).

V is rolling off his Boston project and will be coming home next week. We hope he'll be on a project close to home. Since he's been in Boston lo these few months, he's created quite a collection of Westin soaps and shampoos. I made the mistake of telling him I love their lotion and always used to ask the front desk for a few more when I traveled there. V has brought home enough to stock several floors at the Copley. We now seriously have entire drawers full of the little bottles in one of the bathrooms. Westin bought out Le Meridien a year or so ago, and I wish they'd take the tip from LM and bust out the extras in the suites. LM gave us a huge bottle of Hermes cologne at LM in Lisboa. I wear it and it reminds me of the trip.

I love this time of year - it reminds me of change and fun and transitions. Seventeen years ago I graduated from high school, had my debutante ball and drove to college the next day. Thirteen years ago I graduated from UCSC and was accepted to the Community of Writers at Squaw Valley workshop, where I met all the American authors I worshipped in college. And just six years ago, V and I had just started dating.

Ten years ago May 17 my brother died. My mom and Owl went to visit my niece and his burial site, which is in some hills in Austin off a hiking trail he loved. I didn't go because I need the time by myself there to think about things. They planted a new desert willow, which they say is doing well thanks to a lot of rain in Texas. Every day I see a hawk or a prairie falcon on my drive to/from work and think of him. It's strange to think that one could do one thing that consistently every day. And it just comes naturally.

All I can do now is, to the best of my ability, help other people choose the right fork in the road and avoid the chemical path he sped down most of his life. I'm trying to do this through all my volunteering. Sometimes I feel that it's not enough, but I'm hoping it will touch at least one person.

Ode to an obsessive-compulsive spouse

So I decided to try my hand at selling some crap on eBay for the first time. It actually ended up being pretty cool and easy, for someone who's used to the simplicity of craigslist. But I ultimately needed to report my success to V, which I knew would end up being a hour-long conversation because he is very thorough and always has a bazillion questions and then has to ask them twice to make sure, double sure, that he's got it right. But I think I have him figured out finally, and he was so happy with the following summary e-mail I sent...

~ * ~ * ~ *~ * ~ * ~ * ~
Update:

• Got $60 cash for the kitchen stuff today
• Mailed out four winning eBay items today
• Total paid in PayPal account so far is $127.24 (which includes shipping)
• Outstanding items to be paid (I just sent invoices) is $84.65

Knowing you, you are already calculating this in your head, or perhaps you've got a calculator, maybe the one on your phone, maybe you're using the one on the computer, but either way you're trying to work the numbers out so you can determine the total, which I'm going to go ahead and give you now: $271.89. Now don't get too excited, because that includes $27.06 in shipping, and I know that's thrown you for a second - just a second, I know you, you'll pull it off, and when you do you'll find that the grand total REALLY is $244.83. WOW you must be saying at this point, and you're probably about to call me on the phone WHILE you're running the numbers, because that's the kind of thing you would do, but hold off for a second and keep your pants on, because there is another $11.35 that needs to be deducted from the total thanks to eBay posting fees, which really isn't all that bad when you think about it. So by now those numbers are rolling through your head and you quite possibly have a phone in your hand ready to dial me. That would be so you. You want to hash and re-hash this stuff with me, I know it. When it all comes down to brass tacks, the amount we made off my selling all this crap is, seriously, get this... $233.48. STOP! Do NOT dial me yet. Just, for a moment, consider the work I put into this, the hustle to get this done. Stop, if you will, and feel a sense of pride and achievement. Feels good, doesn't it? Add on top of that the fact that I sold $71 in clothes a couple weekends ago! Yeah - it's that good. That means I raised a little over $300 in just two weeks. By this time you've most likely - and I would even consider betting on this, if we were in Vegas, which is a shame we aren't because it would make a nice little getaway - calculated and recalculated the final numbers with whatever little adding/subtracting mechanism you've decided to employ. My number is probably being dialed through speed dial right about know, and you're going to start the conversation off with something like this, like, "Hi 'P. So ok, I just want to make sure I understand. Bear with me. So, you had HOW many items on eBay?..." EVEN THOUGH I've clearly outlined this for you. If you've quietly conceded in your head that you, in fact, do not need to go over the numbers with me because I really have done a good job communicating them to you and you've rolled them around on your end several times and are satisfied, perhaps you are wondering how we actually GET the money. I can help answer that question for you, and it really is a simple one to answer. If we add our banking info to PayPal it will be wire transfered for free, no fuss, no muss. To answer your question about whether or not we can request a check -- mainly because I know you'd ask that, you're thinking ahead, trying to check out our options -- yes, we can for a $1.50 fee and a delay in getting payment by 2-3 weeks. You are SO itching to call me right now, to tell me go ahead and have it auto-transfered. You want to tell me that it will be easier that way and that you have no problem with it. You also want to ask me how we can get it set up. So go ahead, call if it makes you feel better. You've got the numbers in front of you, I've got them here in this handy e-mail format that I can reference when you're firing away at me, ka-powpowpow.

Not enough time...

Holy crap, I haven't had time to update this darned thing in a while. Lots of stuff going on.

Reading Treasure Island for the first time since I was a kid. Quite, quite enjoyable and lighting a fire under my tush to write my pirate/plague novel (already dreaming of a Caribbean vacation next year, possibly taking a sailboat through the smaller pirate-renowned islands). Enjoying the spinning class at the gym, burning off a lot of energy. Also enjoying being able to ride my bike around. V accidentally shaved off his right eyebrow and has a major presentation this week. He also took my car through the carwash and thought the radio antennae was down when it was, indeed, up. Still recovering from bronchitis, which knocked me out for a week a while back. Suffering the loss of a friend who committed suicide a couple weeks ago. Completely thrilled to have found an Ethiopian restaurant 5 minutes from my work -- possibly a dangerous situation, as I am constantly craving key wot and honey wine. Waiting to see if the Dan will tour near me this summer. Trying to figure out what bands will be playing when we're in Madrid and London. Trying to figure out how I'm going to get all the stuff I'm going buy in Morocco and Greece back to our house in the states. Enjoying having the windows open in the evening and listening to Koop, Thievery Corp and Donald Fagen on our Bose iPod sounddock. Getting ready to set up the second guest room with new furniture and accoutrements. Enjoying the hell out of our little Cricket; she and Tux are quite fond of one another. Looking into buying a duplex or other rental property and trying to determine how the hell I can convince my dad to move out here for once and for all. Thinking about how I can turn into a green thumb while still being irrevocably arachnophobic. Heavily medicating myself with allergy medications. Looking forward to any and all of the 50-plus catalogs I receive in the mail.